1. Tom Cruise

Oh dear Tom, the scientologists want a word…

According to the scientology doctrine women should remain completely silent during childbirth. Perhaps by the same rule of denying natural bodily responses men should have all sweat glands removed? At least by Cruise’s example it seems they should…

2. Milla Jovovich

Now that’s enough action-packed dramatic leaping for you.

There was a time when we would have overlooked the more embarrassing bodily functions of this Ukranian beauty, notably when The Fifth Element was released and we had utmost respect. Then the third Resident Evil came along and here she is, splashed across your screen as a warning to all models turned actresses out there-trilogies are never necessary or good.

3. Beyonce Knowles

Put your hands in the air if you’re perspirin’ and proud

This latest embarrassment is particularly gratifying as she seems to be adopting some kind of First Lady stance. You may know how to shake your booty but you are certainly not the figurehead of a nation Ms Knowles!

4. Leona Lewis

Bleeding something…

That angelic smile doesn’t fool us Miss Lewis. Bleeding love? You best get that bleedin’ sweat problem looked at.

5. George Bush

Signs of life

Considering the catastrophic decisions this man makes without seemingly blinking an eyelid it’s almost a relief to see some proof of human life here, it’s just a shame it had to take the form of underarm unsightliness rather than a good set of ethics.

6. Madonna

One material girl seeks urgent wardrobe change.

Never one to miss out on the kids’ latest kicks no celebrity list would be complete without Madonna getting a look in. However, these patches are modest in comparison with some of the suspects, come on dear you seem to be losing your edge.

7. Pink

Get the party started before she gets you in an armpit lock

It seems you need the fluorescent mop back to distract us from the less appealing stand out features in this photo. Still perhaps the clear marks of exertion are a sign that this lady has been busy working on new material, which would get us perspiring. Bring back the savvy no-nonsense pop lass!

8. Mischa Barton

Sugar and spice, not so nice

The butter-wouldn’t-melt appearance doesn’t fool anyone, particularly if recent diva reports are to be believed. In fact now Barton’s cool exterior has been shattered was else is there? She won’t be winning any plaudits for her acting any time soon that is for certain if her non-performance in The OC is anything to go by.

9. Steve Carrell

Spraying it straight

Steve Carrell is a funny man. So it is with some regret that I feel obliged to comment upon his perspiration abundance, but showing through the suit? That is worrying.

10. Jack Nicholson

All work and no play makes Jack a sweaty boy

It’s guaranteed with any picture of Jack Nicholson he will always have that slightly crazed look on his face. Perhaps during his time on The Shining he got so into character he never got out of it. But whereas as the murderous caretaker in Kubrick’s classic his perspiration was the least of his wife’s worries now it seems he’s got a problem on his hands.

11. Kevin Bacon

80’s power-dancing can’t save you now

That surly look doesn’t cover you Mr Bacon. Flashdance was over 20 years ago and whilst you may have lost the mullet it seems you still have the scars, or marks, to show.

12. Naomi Campbell

Honestly, you just can’t get the staff these days…

Rage blackouts and repeatedly beating up your assistants do take their toll don’t they Naomi? It’s little wonder she’s worked up a sweat what with all the bad press recently.

13. Tony Blair

Old Labour

Everything else about this photo suggests he’s a waxwork but those patches are unmistakably a regrettable sign of life.

14. Teri Hatcher

Run for the hills

That smile has always been alarmingly wide and here it has a desperate edge screaming ‘Eyes on the face!’ Unfortunately you’ve been rumbled and the plastic fantastic domestic goddesses on Wisteria Lane are unimpressed.

15. Peaches Geldof

Deodorising welcomed. Please give what you can.

Your dad’s a pompous bore and everyone knows ‘It’ girls should never sweat. It is unforgivable considering they’re famous for little else apart from pouting and hanging off the arm of the latest skinny-jean clad oik. And black will do you no good, missy, you’re still left red-faced and with a very stupid name.

16. Fergie

Suspicious but not surprising

Here’s hoping that is just sweat. Fergie’s been caught in this state before which is fair enough if you’re bouncing around on a stage nightly but, down there? That suggests a complete lack of control.